Mis Aventuras en Buenos Aires: Struggling with Mental Illness Abroad

I guess I'm getting real here people.

I'm about to talk about something that I don’t feel like is talked about very much. And I'm going to get pretty personal because I'm not ashamed to talk about it. Instead I want you to learn from it.

I'm crawling up to my one year anniversary of being officially diagnosed with clinical depression/anxiety. Now that I know more about depression and anxiety I realize that this is something I've had in my life for quite some time.

Like I've mentioned before, I'm an International Studies major at Texas A&M. Part of my degree requirement to graduate is a semester study abroad that I am now partaking in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Knowing that I struggle with anxiety and depression, I knew that my study abroad was going to challenge me in many ways. I knew I was going to have to adjust to a new environment and I was going to be far away from familiarity.

It took about a week in BA for my first anxiety attack to come. I felt the build up but I ignored it (or tried to at least). I shouldn't of tried to suppress it… but I did anyways. And it imploded on me.

What does an anxiety attack feel like exactly?
Hmm. Good question. For me, this attack was much more internal than external. First, my brain and head all of a sudden feels like it can't breath. Then my heart feels like it is beating really loud and really fast. Soon after my brain starts telling me I'm going to die: this is a normal symptom of an anxiety attack. A panic attack is simply my body entering "fight or flight" mode the hormones that are released into my brain make me feel like I may die. Overall, I feel trapped in my own body and my brain is thinking of a million different ways to try and escape. This attack was pretty internal for the most part (I've trained myself to hide it) and externally I began to cry in front of Graciela and Rachel.

Graciela and Rachel witnessed me begin to crack. Behind closed doors I fell apart. I probably bawled for about four straight nights. During the day I put my "really, I'm okay" mask on merely just trying to make it to the end of the day. Throughout the beginning of last week I could feel the shortness of breath and my heart begin to speed up. I battled with myself trying to reiterate to myself that I needed to breath through my nose and out my mouth, that it was just chemicals and hormones in my body acting crazy.

Having Rachel and Graciela see me show emotion embarrassed me. I felt ashamed. I felt defeated. I felt weak. Once again anxiety wins and Julietta looses. Just when I thought I was starting to gain control anxiety showed me what a fool I was. There's the depression kicking in. The two just come together, with depression will come anxiety and with anxiety comes depression. I could feel the monsters spread throughout my body like a disease, attacking any sense of confidence I had built for myself.

Thankfully, Graciela (my host mom) is a psychologist. I was pretty open & honest with CEA about my condition in my housing application and when I was pared up with her I knew it was no coincidence. Thank goodness she was given to me because I needed her love and perception. Graciela saw right through my mask.

Graciela gave me a big hug, a kiss on my forehead, then she looked at me and said in spanish, "sweetie, you have to pick yourself up from this. I can tell you've come too far to go down like this".

When Graciela gave me my pep talk, I remembered some wise words from Barney Stinson… "When I get sad, I just stop being sad and be awesome instead".

[[**little back story** I watch "How I Met Your Mother" every single day. I use it to cure my homesickness because it just makes me happy to watch, as silly of a sitcom it may be.]]

Honestly. That's the best advice I can give about anyone struggling with depression. It is all about attitude. If I sit, mope, and feel sorry for myself I'm not going to get any happier. Don't get me wrong, sometimes we need to just let out all the emotions (I recommend a good cry session occasionally). But if I want to be happy, I need to choose it. I also needed to remember I need to embrace who I am for the good and the bad. I'm a passionate person. With passion comes many, many emotions. That is a part of who I am, and there is no need for me to be ashamed of that.

So I started trying to change my attitude. I woke up saying "today is going to be a good day, I choose happiness" even if I didn't 100% believe it, I made myself say it anyways. Instead of being apart and observant, I forced myself to participate.

Eventually I woke up one morning feeling myself again. I forgave myself for having an anxiety attack, because hey, they happen sometimes. No one is perfect.

My condition is what I have, not who I am. Sometimes my brain gets the best of me, but there is no need to beat myself up over it.

I need to look at the positives of life. For one, I am living in Buenos Aires for a semester. WOW. I mean, WOW. Thankfully this was a requirement in order for me to graduate. If it wasn't, I would have let finances get in the way, but I found a way to make it work. I was also brave enough to come to a foreign country alone. I was brave enough to continue pursuing the best relationship I've ever been in 6,000 miles apart.

I could go on with the list, but the point is that even though I know I struggle with mental illness, I didn’t let it come in the way of me and my dreams.

If you didn't really take anything away from this post, then please pay attention to this: Anyone can study abroad. ESPECIALLY if you have issues with anxiety and depression like me. Just because you're in another country doesn't mean your problems back home wont follow, but there is always a way to overcome it all. In the words of my professor Blake, "when you study abroad you create yourself". I am not anxious and depressed girl: I'm Julietta, revealing myself one blogpost at a time.

con todo mi cariño y un fuerte abrazo,

Julietta